A Little Clarification

OK, so I tend to be a tad vague.

It was Mark who got the ticket, not me. Hence, "my true love gave to me" ticket #9 (combined total for both of us in 13 months). Here's the sad, sad run-down:

Donna:
2 speeding tickets
1 traffic camera ticket for turning right on a red without stopping.

Mark:
1 HOV lane violation + 1 unsafe lane change (2 tickets in 1 stop, both totally bogus)
3 parking tickets (one of which resulted in being towed)
1 speeding ticket

We also got a 4th parking ticket, but it was due to a machine error (a leftover Y2K thing I think), so it was waived. 

Of all the tickets, Mark got 3 waived, and we were able to reduce the fines on 4 by begging pathetically.

The damage so far: $370, plus $203 in towing fees. And we're still waiting to contest the most recent one ($113). Sympathy is welcome.

Basically, in 2009 we broke just about every traffic law and parked in all the wrong places. Apparently the traffic gods hate us. Actually, my theory is that municipalities are trying to make up for budget cuts through increased traffic fine revenue, but that's probably my crazy i-must-hate-the-government-because-I-vote-left-of-center extremest conspiracy theories coming out. So, you're welcome, local government agencies. Spend our money well.

Moving on. Literally. Moving to Mexico-- I was actually somewhat serious about that one. Did I mention being crazy? More about that in another post. See what I mean about being vague? It's a bad habit. I'll resolve to work on that next year.

Speaking of resolutions, my 10 minutes a day writing goal is going well. Ever since I've included emails, commenting on blogs, thinking about writing, and yelling at my kids, I've had no problem meeting my 10 minute quota!

Anything else to clarify? If so, leave me a comment and I'll answer all your burning questions. I've got a lot of minutes to fill this year.

ps- when was the last time you said totally bogus?

On the 27th Day of December, My True Love Gave to Me...

Traffic ticket #9.

Yes, I'm absolutely serious.


I probably don't have to tell you what our New Year Resolution is this year.

Do you set goals for the New Year?  I usually like to set goals that are almost impossible not to achieve, such as:
Strive for mediocrity in all things. (check)
Try not to die. (I'm usually pretty successful at this)
Read lots of blogs. (done)

And since I have no concept of balance, I also tend to set the type of goals that are equally impossible to ever achieve, such as:
Sell our devalued house and move to Mexico. (hmmmm, anyone want to buy our house?)(oh yeah, and anyone know someone in Mexico who wants to hire an American and pay for all of their moving expenses?) (anyone?...)

One of my actual resolutions this year is to spend at least 10 minutes each day writing. Anything. In fact, in an effort to not fail after 6 days, I'm telling myself that even my grocery list counts.

I also resolve to waste a whole lot of time, start projects I never intend to finish, make endless lists, think about how I should be exercising while I'm eating chocolate instead, stay up way too late, have a couple of mommy tantrums, threaten my kids with no intention of following through, and above all else, watch hours upon hours of television. Basically, keep the status quo even more quo. (Thank you Dr. Horrible).

I'm also going to make every recipe in The New Joys of Jello cookbook and blog about it.
  
( Oh, and speaking of the New Year, all you people who I promised something crafty to a long time ago knew that when I said you'd get it in the mail by Dec 31st, what I actually meant was December 31st plus or minus a few months, right?  Good. Glad we had this little talk.)

10 minutes are up.
Resolution kept.


Next post: this week's grocery list!

We Interrupt Your Holiday to Bring You This Important Message

So are you stuffed yet?

I am.

Sam, on the other hand, just whispered in my ear: "I just pooped out all the food that my body didn't need."

He was very proud, but in more of an excited-to-have-a-great-secret kind of way. Some secrets just have to be shared though, so consider this a virtual whisper in your ear.


Happy Thanksgiving.

Tough Choices

In order to get my shopping list done today I had to sit my kids in front of a video. Don't judge, this is after I tried to occupy them with sitting quietly on the couch, counting grains of rice, sorting the recycling, memorizing the Declaration of Independence, choreographing interpretive dances to the Dances With Wolves soundtrack, etc. Nothing was working, and our 1 year supply of whole wheat organic pasta was getting dangerously low (more like a 10 1/2 month supply). And desperate times call for the Electronic Babysitter.

Hey Kids, do you want to watch a video or something?

Yeah! We want to watch Baby Einstein! 

Baby Einstein? Really? You know it's for babies, right? And it's just a bunch of video taped toys and stuffed animals set to classical music? 

Baby Einstein! Baby Einstein! 

Ummm, OK. 

Now that we know the truth about Baby Einsten, it left me thinking: in essence, my kids were getting stupider just so I could fill their bellies. (Wait, is it stupider or more stupid? I should know, I was raised on Sesame Street*, they didn't even have Baby Einstein when I was a kid.)

So for some reason I just thought the blogging world would want to know that in the battle between intellectual and physical nourishment today, my kids' IQ's took a big hit. And since their chances of getting into Harvard are now pretty much shot, I went ahead and bought them the junky high-fructose-corn-syrup-laden, flourescent-tinted yogurt they wanted so bad today. Oh crap-- there goes the whole physical nourishment part.

Well, what can I say, it's a slippery slope. I think tomorrow we'll watch Soap Operas and eat pop tarts all day.

Made any tough choices lately?


*Happy 40th Sesame Street! Check out this great post on my friend Aimee's blog.

Aarrrgghhh, is the candy gone already?

Note: In a radical departure from my strict blogging policy, this Halloween post is brought to you just a few days after Halloween, rather than my usual 3 month lag time. Don't be too alarmed, however, it's likely to never happen again. Look for our Christmas post sometime in April 2010. 

 The theme this year was 2 pirates, their pirate monkey, and the monkey's pink-haired lady trainer. I somehow convinced Mia and Sam to wear the same pirate costume this year, and lucky for me they both fit into a size 4 boy's costume, since all the skanky pirate costumes for 6 year old girls were sold out. We take any opportunity for free candy pretty seriously, and so the kids have spent the past few weeks "getting into character" to prepare for the big day. This involved referring to everyone and everything as "matey," wearing their pirate costumes almost non-stop, unruly demands for snacks, a sharp decline in proper hygiene practices, general pillaging, plundering, and of course, lots and lots of swashbuckling. All in all, not too different than normal, though I was constantly reminded of a particularly regrettable episode of Wifeswap that featured a pirate-obsessed family and the outright abuse of the word pirattitude (which is to say, any usage at all). So basically, I've spent way too much time lately thinking about one of the worst hours on television ever.

But I digress...

In the picture above, we are about to go trick or treating at a local assisted living center. Don't we look so happy? Well, somewhere in that old folks home, we not only collected a year's supply of butterscotch, peppermint, and cinnamon candies, but also something that looked and smelled suspiciously like diarrhea on Sam's pumpkin. We were too busy gagging and saying bad words to take pictures of how happy we were about that. Needless to say, that effectively began and ended our tradition of trick or treating with the old folks.

More trick or treating festivities (with a thoroughly cleaned pumpkin). What I love about this picture is that Sam and Nate have almost identical expressions, though one is smiling and the other is screaming.

 And what would Halloween be without a little post-Halloween hairpiece swap?

 We spent the evening with some friends whose attempt to buy a house had turned into a true Halloween nightmare, which we metaphorically recreated in our attempt to build a haunted gingerbread house. It looks way better in the picture-- you can't even tell that the walls aren't plumb and the roof is caved in in two places.

(Good luck Jen and family. We will miss you!)

And this is completely unrelated to Halloween, but Sam got a hold of my camera recently and these are some of the pictures he took. Turns out he's a way better photographer than me.

  

I'm not used to such artsy pictures on my blog, and it makes it difficult to know how to end this post. I feel like I should be all deep and introspective or something.

Ummmm, yeah, I got nothing.

Hope you had a fun and poop-free Halloween.

I Know it's October, But is it Too Late for a Summer Recap?

Yeah, it probably is.

In fact, I'm pretty sure it's one of the Official Blogging Rules. Yep, #47. No Summer recaps after October 1st, sandwiched between #46. The words forever and busy must always be in all-caps (as in: "Sorry I haven't blogged in FOREVER. I've been so BUSY!") and # 48. Never let your blog wear white after Labor Day. 

It shouldn't have to be said, but these rules are very important. Not only are they for your blog's own protection, but they also ensure correct emphasis so there will be no question as to just how BUSY you are. So, I guess that means no Summer recap. Besides, it's been FOREVER and I barely even remember what we did this Summer because I've been way too BUSY to post about it. (See what I'm talking about?)

On the other hand, (as the saying goes) rules were made for the purpose of finding loopholes so we can do whatever we want to do without technically doing anything wrong (trust me, I'm Mormon, I know all about this kind of thing, as do politicians). So, in the great tradition of loophole finding,  I suppose I could just list the possible titles of things I would have blogged about had I not been on a break this Summer, and also had I not been so busy, I mean BUSY! That way, it's not technically a recap, but you don't have to miss out on even a moment of our incredible Summer fun fest.  (And if that's too confusing or seems too compromising to you, you probably would not do well in politics.) 

So here is the list of Bardsleyland Would-Have-Been Summer Blog Post Titles:

• Summer Vacation:  44 Days, About 88 Tantrums. 
• Never Judge a Family Camping Trip by the First 4 Hours
• Faux Pas at the Neighborhood Block Party
• Our Family Garage Sale: Somebody Please Buy This Crap
• My Little Sister Visits, and it's All Fun and Games Until Sam Refuses to Eat in the Same Room as Her
  
• Is it the Hottest Day Ever, or Do I Just Have a Fever? Oh Wait, it's Both
• When Your Nieces Come to Visit for a Week, it's Best to Not be Boring
  
• Bardsley Family Reunion 2009, Rapid City, South Dakota: What's Eaten at the Family Reunion Stays on My Hips and Thighs Forever
  
• Vacationing with the Obamas: Our Trip to Yellowstone 2009
  
• "Old Faithful is Boring" and other memorable observations by Mia
• Reasons Why One Should Never drive for 12+ Hours in One Day with 3 Kids Under 6. EVER. (Let Alone Three Times in One Vacation)
• Miracles Do Happen: Sam Lives to See His 4th Birthday 

So do you feel like you were there?  Can you almost hear the high-pitched squeals of joy and laughter that echoed throughout our house (on the first day of school)? Do you think I'm a bad mom for not actually posting anything about Sam's Birthday? Don't answer that. Instead, watch this slide show in honor of Sam and his Summer as a 3 year old. 

And just because I'm feeling generous, here is the reason mentioned above to avoid long road trips with my kids: *Correction: In the beginning of this clip I say that we're 4 miles away from home, when we were actually 4 hours away from home. Small, but critical detail.

Before I Know It, He'll Be 18 Right?

When I tell people that Nate is 16 months old, I often have people actually tell me that it is their favorite age. I usually politely smile and respond with some sort of vague pleasantry, but inwardly I'm thinking WHAT THE EFFING CRAP?!  Either people routinely will tell you whatever age your child is is their favorite just to be nice, or most everyone has pushed their memories of their own children as toddlers deep, deep down to some scary dark place that is completely unreachable except through electroshock therapy.

All I know is that I increasingly find myself looking at my budding toddler and wistfully recalling the good old days of babyhood. Remember when you would sleep for hours every day Nate? Remember when you couldn't walk or even crawl, and instead happily sat  playing with an actual baby toy for 45 minutes at a time? Remember how it was before you developed gross motor skills? It was awesome.

This however, is not awesome.


Tearing toilet paper into little tiny pieces does not make for a happy mom.










Do you know what is even less awesome? Doing this just a few hours later:


Yes, that's toilet water all over the floor (and down the hall). I swear I had closed the bathroom door earlier this morning. Sam must have used the potty before school, which would mean, you guessed it, that's pee water. So. Flipping. Awesome.

And who was the kid who threw a hysterical tantrum at Albertsons later this afternoon because I wouldn't buy him a stuffed animal?

And who thinks it's a challenge to try to get out of his high chair now at each meal?

And who screams and arches his back every time he gets puts in his car seat?

And who walked over and hit Sam on the top of his head with a heavy plastic toy today?

(OK, actually that was pretty funny. )

And who is my only child sleeping through the night in his own bed still?

For that reason alone, I love you. Just stay out of the toilet.