I'm a little freaked out.
I think my bank knows everything about me. And if you have any connection to me in any way, I think my bank might know everything about you too.
Are you a little freaked out now? Then you might be interested in this only slightly exaggerated conversation I just had with my US bank:
Bank Rep: Thank you for calling MajorUS Bank, how may I help you today?
Me: Hi, I need to activate my new PIN.
Rep: Not a proble-- oh, actually, it looks like the phone number you are calling from is different than the primary number we have on file for you, so I'm going to need to connect you with my Illuminati colleague, who is authorized to take you through our Security Verification Rigmarole(TM). Please hold
Rep#2: Thank you for holding. I see your account has been placed in Suspected Terrorist Lockdown Mode, so I'll just need to ask you a few questions. Can you please verify your birthdate, Social Security Number, current address, former addresses, and every phone number you have ever been associated with?
Me: Ummm, I can't remember most of my old phone numbers.
Rep#2: Well, I'm afraid that's going to require some Enhanced Interrogation Questions, ma'am.
Rep#2: Please answer the following question: the address 4213 West Main Street is associated with which of the following people? A. Reince Priebus; B. Benedict Cumberbatch; C. Saxby Chambliss; D. None of the above.
Me: Are those just made up names? I don't know, D?
Rep#2: Correct. That's just a psychological game we like to play. Next question. [Your sister-in-law] most recently lived in which city? [Lists 4 cities, all of which my sister-in-law has lived in.]
Me: Uhhh, the answer is C. This is getting creepy.
Rep#2: Next questions: November 26th is the birthday of which of your sisters?
Me: OK, wait. I have definitely never told you guys Katy's birthday. How do you know this stuff?
Rep#2: You should really consider sending a card next year, by the way. Next question: while you were wasting time online today, you found out you were which emoji, according to Buzzfeed?
Me: Wha-- I don't even-- I would nev-- (clears throat)...Winky Kiss Face.
Rep#2: Thank you.
Me: For the love, I just need to transfer $75.
Rep#2: OK, ma'am, I've just received the results from your DNA test, and everything has cleared. I've been able to lift all restrictions from your account. However, you might want to get tested for a gluten allergy. Have a nice day.
Have you ever felt violated by a conversation with your bank? They knew an alarming amount of things about my family members and places I used to live long before I opened this bank account. What's more, I might have granted my bank Health Care Power of Attorney, and falsely confessed to killing Jimmy Hoffa. It was very stressful...
On the bright side, I'm fairly confident that no one else will ever be able to call my bank and impersonate me, without first murdering me and transplanting my brain in their body. So, that's comforting?
So everyone, please email me your entire address history, your current Netflix queue, and the name of your first crush-- I might need to know next time I have to call my bank. And if anyone needs me, I'll be watching back episodes of Preppers, while making some tinfoil hats.
Note to the NSA: next time I need to do a $75 bank transfer, can your people just do it for me?