Mar 28, 2009

Enough Already

Do you ever wish that your brain had a big "in case of insomnia, push this" button? Instead I'm resorting to frantically spewing thoughts into my keyboard in hopes of switching that internal switch to off so I can get some sleep already (!). Not that I'm any stranger to insomnia-- in fact, you'd think I would be pretty resigned to it by now. Since Mark got laid off it's been noticeably worse, though tonight I'm not awake out of worry or anxiety, at least not superficially. I've got plans, ideas, inspiration over flowing and bubbling out of my mind like crazy. Plans for my best life ever, though I promise I haven't even been watching Oprah lately. I tell myself, these things are the real me, the me that I would be if I didn't have diapers to change, laundry to get done, meals to plan and groceries to shop for, checkbooks to balance, projects to finish, noses and hands to clean, fights to referee, things to pick up, drop off, put away, throw away, recycle, store, fix, or find-- you get the picture. But really, why am I wide awake dreaming of transforming the family room into a playroom to accommodate my grandiose plans for days filled with non-stop fun and creativity, when those plans have so little to do with the reality of my current time and monetary constraints? (Not to mention taste-- I mean really, bean bags for furniture? Am I drunk?!).

In the true spirit of blog self-psychoanalysis, I wonder if it is in fact anxiety based after all. I wonder if I have a tendency when things feel uncertain and out of my control, to hyper-focus on things immediately in front of me that I can control, and therefore obsessively fantasize about rearranging furniture. Or maybe I just tell myself this so I can feel better about being more concerned about redecorating than I am about actually serious issues such as the economic crisis, global warming, and horrific conditions in Zimbabwe. Or maybe I just shouldn't have eaten so much cookie dough tonight. Whatever the case, I wish it would all just stop so I can get some sleep. I've got plans for tomorrow and sleeping until noon doesn't help.

Good night everyone. Sleep well. Me too, hopefully.


Advice from Ordinary People Flourishing Together said...

I am really glad that other people besides just me have nights like this where there thoughts are just going in circles. Hope you finally got some sleep.

Mary said...

I hate nights where your brain will not shut off and allow you to sleep. I think I mostly feel bad that all of my tossing and turning will be disturbing Matt, so then I get up and go to the couch. That usually does not help, but only causes my brain to run even more. Anyway, I hope that you finally fell asleep.

Bardsley Family said...

Ambien. My life saver. My new best friend. I feel your pain. My sleepless nights get worse when I am feeling creative or especially during the holidays with so much going on. If we were dealing with your current stressful situation, I would be a walking zombie. Ambien. Love it and officially can't live (sleep) without it.
Hang in there Donna.

Rasmussen Family said...

Sorry to hear that you are in the same boat with the rest of us Xanex used to be my drug of choice...Gaylinn gave me something that works a little better the other is stressful enough with out sleep!!!! Hang in there!!!!

Bob/Kristy said...

Donna, I almost emailed you at 3am last night to ask if we could be insomnia buddies, but I thought that turning on the computer wouldn't help.

Thanks for having us over this weekend- you do remarkably well on so little sleep!

kg said...

Donna, I hope that your creative plans include more writing! You are great at it and I feel like starting a publishing company just so I could publish your writings!