Do you ever wish that your brain had a big "in case of insomnia, push this" button? Instead I'm resorting to frantically spewing thoughts into my keyboard in hopes of switching that internal switch to off so I can get some sleep already (!). Not that I'm any stranger to insomnia-- in fact, you'd think I would be pretty resigned to it by now. Since Mark got laid off it's been noticeably worse, though tonight I'm not awake out of worry or anxiety, at least not superficially. I've got plans, ideas, inspiration over flowing and bubbling out of my mind like crazy. Plans for my best life ever, though I promise I haven't even been watching Oprah lately. I tell myself, these things are the real me, the me that I would be if I didn't have diapers to change, laundry to get done, meals to plan and groceries to shop for, checkbooks to balance, projects to finish, noses and hands to clean, fights to referee, things to pick up, drop off, put away, throw away, recycle, store, fix, or find-- you get the picture. But really, why am I wide awake dreaming of transforming the family room into a playroom to accommodate my grandiose plans for days filled with non-stop fun and creativity, when those plans have so little to do with the reality of my current time and monetary constraints? (Not to mention taste-- I mean really, bean bags for furniture? Am I drunk?!).
In the true spirit of blog self-psychoanalysis, I wonder if it is in fact anxiety based after all. I wonder if I have a tendency when things feel uncertain and out of my control, to hyper-focus on things immediately in front of me that I can control, and therefore obsessively fantasize about rearranging furniture. Or maybe I just tell myself this so I can feel better about being more concerned about redecorating than I am about actually serious issues such as the economic crisis, global warming, and horrific conditions in Zimbabwe. Or maybe I just shouldn't have eaten so much cookie dough tonight. Whatever the case, I wish it would all just stop so I can get some sleep. I've got plans for tomorrow and sleeping until noon doesn't help.
Good night everyone. Sleep well. Me too, hopefully.