Aug 11, 2008

3 AM Wish List: a walk on the dark side

It's almost 3 AM.

I wish I was asleep. I've been sitting here thinking of everything I wish for right now, and just a warning-- it's not world peace, or an end to poverty, or anything remotely noble. Occasionally during my insomnia bouts I wax philosophical and altruistically solve the world's problems, but tonight I'm feeling very self-centered, and also very unfunny (warning #2).

I wish I wasn't an insomniac. It really sucks.
I wish I was still cool. Not in a pop culture, hip music and high fashion kind of way (seriously, once skinny pants came back, I knew I was out of the fashion loop for sure). but in a self-assured, true to my inner self, powered by ideals, unconcerned about what anyone else thinks kind of cool. I think I used to be like that.
I wish I knew exactly how to handle my kids all the time. I wish I could accept that I don't.
I wish I lived closer to my family.
It would be nice to wake up tomorrow to a clean house. But I wish I didn't care so much about stupid things that don't matter.
I wish I could read non-fiction and not have it put me to sleep. I wish it would work right now.
I wish I had a little more faith. I'll leave it at that.
I hope all my friends and family know how much I care about them. I should tell them (you) more often.
I wish I could just write everything I really felt right now without worrying about depressing the pants off of everyone who might read it.
I wish I had auditioned for the St. Mary's Nightingales (singing group) during my last year of college.
I wish I still believed that people are basically good at heart. But more so, even though I say that everyone is worthwhile and valuable, I wish that I actually treated everyone like I believe it.
I wish I never had to shave my legs again.
And yes, I wish I had a million dollars.

Good night everybody.



Insomnia is cruel.

I usually spend at least one night a week (for some reason it is often Thursday night) worrying about everything including not getting enough sleep. I usually have one or two nights a week when I can't really say I am either asleep or awake. It is frustrating.

Your sister can fall asleep immediately. I tell her it is a gift from God and I truly think it is.

This may be sacrilege but when the answers we've been given don't always feel like answers, I like The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. That book tells me that having the answers is slightly more pointless than asking the questions. Life's all about the journey and none of it has to make sense. It's a very liberating perspective.

In the past when I've been depressed I always hated it when people tried to relate or pull me out of it. Sorry if this comes across like that.

Eric Devericks said...

It's good to visit the dark side every now and then cause then the light looks brighter!

Neva said...

I wish I had the guts of a third grader who walked up to the new kid and told her that she would be her friend.

And 20+ years later, they still keep in touch.

And I wish that my ear infection/diarrhea baby would let me get some sleep, too.

Bob/Kristy said...

I love your comment about not feeling "cool". You know how there are defined stages of grief? Well, you've just hit on one of the stages of parenthood which I think is important to acknowledge. YOU used to be self-assured, but now some of your identity is being a mother, which means you are no longer in control of part of your identity. You might feel confident to be judged on your own choices, but now you will be evaluated on your children's choices as well, and that probably does bug you. It bugs the crap out of me, and I know it is largely responsible for the rise in blood pressure I feel when my children do annoying things in public.

And I think anyone who always feels confident as a parent is completely out of touch (if such a person exists). Because the choices you make as a parent are always made with imperfect information; your choice is only half the equation, the child's reaction is an unknown variable; and the whole thing is so much more important that chosing a paint color. (Which of course is something that you are terrific at and can truly feel confident in and yes, hold your head up high and tell the world to stuff their opinion, because of course you are right and if they don't recognize it, that's because they are the tacky ones!)

It IS irritating to feel you've lost some confidence, and it is an irritation that creeps up on you and never really completely leaves (or rather, it finds you again later). But you know, there is something comforting and hopeful in having someone as thoughtful and funny as you join the club!

Don and Joyce said...

Hey Donna,
You were probably just experiencing post partum blues when you wrote this entry. You are awesome and have always walked in mysterious ways!

Anonymous said...

I wish you knew how great I think you are and how much I love being friends.

Bob/Kristy said...

I was just thinking- I'm not saying parents should be judged on their children's choices. I'm saying we are used to feeling competent when we are effective in what we are trying to do. Well, parenting is like herding cats, and the best cat-herder in the world probably doesn't feel very effective. It's the nature of the cats, not a reflection of the abilities of the herder.

Ruby said...

Thanks for your honesty! I wish I had new dish towels. I am still using old ones from 8 years ago. I wish I felt done having children. I wish I would have loosened up in high school and just enjoyed myself. I wish I didn't have a cold.